Hey,
I saw you in the metro, yet again! And just like the last
time I couldn't take my eyes off you. You were looking lost and late, you
looked up after catching a quick glance at your watch, and I felt like you saw
me. You saw direct into me. Ohhh that feel! I swear, for a second my world
stopped and then it suddenly started rushing. And before your eyes could meet
mine, I turned away, frantically walking in the opposite direction of yours.
The whole slideshow of sweet and sour memories we shared started playing in
front of my eyes. I could feel for a minute how the whole journey started,
right from the first time I bumped into you late night in that
not-so-crowded-metro to the first text you sent me about how my search has
finally ended on you. I remembered how that sudden plan turned out to be an
extremely romantic first date with the clouds showering their love in form of
rain and I wore that orange sari and you were amused with that. I remember those late
night long conversations with perfect mug of tea to the romantic letters you
used to write for me.
And all these things made me realise how much I missed
you, how much I was fond of you & your laughter and how badly I wanted you to
turn my mighty satiety into reality and make me the alchemy of your desire.
And
just like every other time, I ruined it.
I ruined you, and me and US!
I was so
scared of losing you for that one time and then I lost you for no good reason.
Something came up to my mind, maybe my insecurities and maybe your lack of
commitments. I was scared of the mad love I had for you which can destroy you
or me or both of us.
So I turned away and ran. Leaving you in misery and
finding a new reason to live and be happy, but believe me it didn't work. It
didn't work out as I planned. I never thought it will be so hard for me and yes I knew I was selfish. The whole time I was with that other man, all I was trying is to
turn him into someone like you. I was always comparing as you set the
parameters of being a best guy for me and seeing someone reaching to that level
was almost impossible.
I realised the guilt, which I thought I would get over
eventually, was still there to haunt me.
But what haunts more is the outcome I never imagined. Do you remember how you with all my friends blamed me for
everything and called me with names like real bad?
I understand that your anger
and hatred is justified, for it was me who walked away to leave you with
memories of us as a constant reminder of the mistake that we were. It was me
who got scared and left you behind without any proper explanation. It was me
who broke the ropes of trust and ruin everything we had. It was all beautiful
and then my mind started playing these weird games with me. My mind made me
believe that we're not meant to be together as my love for you turned out to be
a death rope in your neck, so I ran away and I thought it will be alright after
a while.
But no, I was wrong, it's not working out as per my plan.
I know that I have hurt you, broke your trust, but I do wish
that you could forgive me someday, for the mistake that wasn't solely mine. I'm
not here for asking to get back into any relationship with me. Even I'm not
here for the apologise today for I know that saying sorry won't heal a heart
that fell for someone and got broken for no valid reason.
The only thing I hope
for is that you accept that what happened to us might be sad, but it was
inevitable. And the next time I chance upon you, I wish you get back the smile
you once had. It's then and only then that I'll be get over this feeling of guilt.
P.S : I'm aware that you won't want to see me and talk to
me, and you're right at your point as well. But unlike the dozen other letters,
I'm gonna send this one to you because I really want to see you happy and I
wish to bump into you again in any not-so-crowded-metro and instead of running
away I'll come and hug you with a big smile!
Yours,
(Starry eyed girl)
The one not meant to be!
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