I saw you in the metro, yet again! And just like the last time I couldn't take my eyes off you. You were looking lost and late, you looked up after catching a quick glance at your watch, and I felt like you saw me. You saw direct into me. Ohhh that feel! I swear, for a second my world stopped and then it suddenly started rushing. And before your eyes could meet mine, I turned away, frantically walking in the opposite direction of yours.
The whole slideshow of sweet and sour memories we shared started playing in front of my eyes. I could feel for a minute how the whole journey started, right from the first time I bumped into you late night in that not-so-crowded-metro to the first text you sent me about how my search has finally ended on you. I remembered how that sudden plan turned out to be an extremely romantic first date with the clouds showering their love in form of rain and I wore that orange sari and you were amused with that. I remember those late night long conversations with perfect mug of tea to the romantic letters you used to write for me.
And all these things made me realise how much I missed you, how much I was fond of you & your laughter and how badly I wanted you to turn my mighty satiety into reality and make me the alchemy of your desire.
And just like every other time, I ruined it.
I ruined you, and me and US!
I was so scared of losing you for that one time and then I lost you for no good reason. Something came up to my mind, maybe my insecurities and maybe your lack of commitments. I was scared of the mad love I had for you which can destroy you or me or both of us.
So I turned away and ran. Leaving you in misery and finding a new reason to live and be happy, but believe me it didn't work. It didn't work out as I planned. I never thought it will be so hard for me and yes I knew I was selfish. The whole time I was with that other man, all I was trying is to turn him into someone like you. I was always comparing as you set the parameters of being a best guy for me and seeing someone reaching to that level was almost impossible.
I realised the guilt, which I thought I would get over eventually, was still there to haunt me.
But what haunts more is the outcome I never imagined. Do you remember how you with all my friends blamed me for everything and called me with names like real bad?
I understand that your anger and hatred is justified, for it was me who walked away to leave you with memories of us as a constant reminder of the mistake that we were. It was me who got scared and left you behind without any proper explanation. It was me who broke the ropes of trust and ruin everything we had. It was all beautiful and then my mind started playing these weird games with me. My mind made me believe that we're not meant to be together as my love for you turned out to be a death rope in your neck, so I ran away and I thought it will be alright after a while.
But no, I was wrong, it's not working out as per my plan.
I know that I have hurt you, broke your trust, but I do wish that you could forgive me someday, for the mistake that wasn't solely mine. I'm not here for asking to get back into any relationship with me. Even I'm not here for the apologise today for I know that saying sorry won't heal a heart that fell for someone and got broken for no valid reason.
The only thing I hope for is that you accept that what happened to us might be sad, but it was inevitable. And the next time I chance upon you, I wish you get back the smile you once had. It's then and only then that I'll be get over this feeling of guilt.
P.S : I'm aware that you won't want to see me and talk to me, and you're right at your point as well. But unlike the dozen other letters, I'm gonna send this one to you because I really want to see you happy and I wish to bump into you again in any not-so-crowded-metro and instead of running away I'll come and hug you with a big smile!
(Starry eyed girl)
The one not meant to be!