Monday, 22 January 2018

Dear Mom, why you didn't tell that love is an illusion and forever is a myth!?

Dear Mom,

I'm a little furious today.

Maa, for what reason didn't you let me know not to trust young men with wonderful eyes, charming smile or the ones do intellectual talks? For what reason didn't you instruct me to not accept when they'd guarantee me an eternity which would be hollower than my bones.
 I'm in torment today.

Maa, I trust individuals excessively effectively. For what reason didn't you instruct me to assemble an immense divider outside my heart so just a couple could come in, the genuine ones? Why you didn't educate me concerning the young men who might love me like a leased loft — frantically enamoured, one day and after that move into a superior one.
I'm a little frustrated today.

Not little, I’m hell frustrated today.

Maa, for what reason didn't you reveal to me that I don't merit love? I could've comprehended it at that point. I never expected it from anybody except for you in any case given how Dad used to clash with me in every decision I used to make and poke nose in everything I used to do. Presently there's a vacancy in my throat which never leaves. What's more, I stammer when I mouth daddy's name.
He just stopped talking to me like I was not a part of him anymore. How could he do that to me!?

I comprehended I'll never be adored, today.

Maa, you let me know not to put stock in outsiders. For what reason didn't you ever let me know not to trust young men who make guarantees to me at 3 toward the beginning of the day that they'd remain? For what reason didn't you reveal to me that everybody who will love me will eventually abandon one fucking day?

It’s not actually like they left me. It’s just they took me to the level where I was no longer me. They treated me like shit instead of treating me like a queen. They promised to give me the world and when I finally gave in, they burned it down.
In front of my eyes.

They threatened me, they humiliated me, they tried to be my master and keep me like a slave. They did try to change me and the smile you have given me.

Yes, I do remember that I promised you not to keep anyone above me and my happiness. I’m sorry I forgot the rule and fucked it up!

By the by, I'm appreciative to you for enlightening me, it is never concerning how others adore me however how I cherish myself - and I will do precisely that.

Request my dad to converse with me at some point. Request him and tell him that out of all the men I got into my life, he is still my hero. No matter how many fights and arguments we had, tell him that I love him and he’s the only man I can trust on.

Tell him to be my back bone once again.

Because frankly, I’m done being strong and fighting for myself!

I just want to experience the childhood once again where I knew no matter what my dad will take care of me.

And about those young men with wonderful eyes, charming smile or the ones do intellectual talks, I have learned my lesson and I’ll keep on learning!

Thursday, 11 January 2018

Accept And Embrace!

Somewhere, most of us are stuck with things/humans in life that we refuse to let go.

No matter how much pain, hatred and negativity we are getting from these damage people and fucked situations. We are naturally terrified of our current situation but more about our recent future and it’s absolutely impossible to imagine a different world apart from what we are used to every day.

We are just terrified of change!
That is what we are, and if we look closely, here is where most of the problem lies. We are more worried about the change this current situation is going to bring, than the situation itself. And unfortunately, much contrary to what is being said, no place or person can truly help us unless we don’t see it ourselves.

But if we do and if we are willing to, let me tell you that the process of letting go begins from acceptance.

The fact that this is our current situation and it’s shitty as fuck, but this is how it is; the fact that people do wrong and things go downside but we don’t have to hold ourselves responsible for them.
The first question to eliminate is ‘How could this happen to me?’ Well it already did. And I know it sucks but it did. Admit that it did. And accept that we are in no control of what happens to us but we are definitely in control of what we make out of it.

You need to breathe.

You need to accept.

You need to choose you above every kind of bullshit beneath.

I agree there are some real mean people out there who will pull you down, EVERY FUCKING TIME. There will always be haters around. There will always be people mask their jealousy with the advice veil, who will be way too sweet on your face and will stab you behind your back.
These kind of people just keep on looking for chances to spit their kind of negativity at you. Believe me its not your job to heal everyone you encounter. Its not your responsibility to show them the right path.

You didn't come here to be someone's light, you came here to be your own sun.

And even if you feel like helping them, they prove you wrong and drain your positive energy as well. They will make you hollow and feel you helpless. They will pour you with tons of bull shit and negative vibes.

But this is not you! YOU are you!

And you do need to be above them. You need to have faith in yourself and be your greatest strength at that moment.

Embrace your power.

Fight your battle.
And just like that, on one of the windy afternoons, you will maybe find yourself few pounds lesser and surely your heart, a little lighter and you'll be surprised to realize how you've finally managed to let it go.

And that my friend, is the real definition of success; that is when happiness will finally welcome you home!

Tuesday, 2 January 2018

An open letter to the heart I broke!


I saw you in the metro, yet again! And just like the last time I couldn't take my eyes off you. You were looking lost and late, you looked up after catching a quick glance at your watch, and I felt like you saw me. You saw direct into me. Ohhh that feel! I swear, for a second my world stopped and then it suddenly started rushing. And before your eyes could meet mine, I turned away, frantically walking in the opposite direction of yours. 
The whole slideshow of sweet and sour memories we shared started playing in front of my eyes. I could feel for a minute how the whole journey started, right from the first time I bumped into you late night in that not-so-crowded-metro to the first text you sent me about how my search has finally ended on you. I remembered how that sudden plan turned out to be an extremely romantic first date with the clouds showering their love in form of rain and I wore that orange sari and you were amused with that. I remember those late night long conversations with perfect mug of tea to the romantic letters you used to write for me. 

And all these things made me realise how much I missed you, how much I was fond of you & your laughter and how badly I wanted you to turn my mighty satiety into reality and make me the alchemy of your desire. 

And just like every other time, I ruined it. 

I ruined you, and me and US! 
I was so scared of losing you for that one time and then I lost you for no good reason. Something came up to my mind, maybe my insecurities and maybe your lack of commitments. I was scared of the mad love I had for you which can destroy you or me or both of us. 

So I turned away and ran. Leaving you in misery and finding a new reason to live and be happy, but believe me it didn't work. It didn't work out as I planned. I never thought it will be so hard for me and yes I knew I was selfish. The whole time I was with that other man, all I was trying is to turn him into someone like you. I was always comparing as you set the parameters of being a best guy for me and seeing someone reaching to that level was almost impossible.

I realised the guilt, which I thought I would get over eventually, was still there to haunt me.

But what haunts more is the outcome I never imagined. Do you remember how you with all my friends blamed me for everything and called me with names like real bad?

I understand that your anger and hatred is justified, for it was me who walked away to leave you with memories of us as a constant reminder of the mistake that we were. It was me who got scared and left you behind without any proper explanation. It was me who broke the ropes of trust and ruin everything we had. It was all beautiful and then my mind started playing these weird games with me. My mind made me believe that we're not meant to be together as my love for you turned out to be a death rope in your neck, so I ran away and I thought it will be alright after a while. 

But no, I was wrong, it's not working out as per my plan. 

I know that I have hurt you, broke your trust, but I do wish that you could forgive me someday, for the mistake that wasn't solely mine. I'm not here for asking to get back into any relationship with me. Even I'm not here for the apologise today for I know that saying sorry won't heal a heart that fell for someone and got broken for no valid reason. 

The only thing I hope for is that you accept that what happened to us might be sad, but it was inevitable. And the next time I chance upon you, I wish you get back the smile you once had. It's then and only then that I'll be get over this feeling of guilt.

P.S : I'm aware that you won't want to see me and talk to me, and you're right at your point as well. But unlike the dozen other letters, I'm gonna send this one to you because I really want to see you happy and I wish to bump into you again in any not-so-crowded-metro and instead of running away I'll come and hug you with a big smile!

(Starry eyed girl)
The one not meant to be!